foolaround | prismatica inbox

[ oh. yukari stares at the checkmark with blank eyes. she's finally done what she does best: fucked up something good.

she can't breathe, all of a sudden. she's too full of everything--guilt, regret, love. (always too full of love.) her vision blurs with unbidden tears and she fights them at first, bites the inside of her lip until it bleeds, digs the heels of her hands into her eyes so hard she sees stars.

the tears happen anyway. they're the first she's allowed herself since self-exile from the house. yukari already knows they won't be the last, but they'll definitely hurt the most.

it takes longer than she likes to stem the tide. everything hurts. what she wouldn't give to do nothing else but sleep until it stops hurting. despite that, she has to reach out just one more time. ]

if you dont want to talk thats okay
but im here
even if i cant fix anything
i always want to listen to you

[ the tears come unbidden. minako tries to stop it, of course, hates herself for crying, for being this weak. she feels that way more and more often, lately.

she wants to throw her bracelet across the room, shut out the world, force isolation on herself because being everything to everyone has never worked and that only leaves one way to deal, doesn't it? and surely it's what she deserves, minako thinks. she's poison, the best thing she ever did for the world was die. and even that hurt everyone around her more than anything else she could have done to them.

but she keeps her device on hand, headphones shoved on as she sits in the dark and finally lets herself cry, not bothering to try to stop it now. she loses track of time, doesn't know how long it takes for yukari to answer. but when it comes through, she answers in kind. ]

i love you so much and im so sorry
i miss you

Edited 2020-02-03 11:09 (UTC)

[ the bouncing dots appear almost immediately after yukari receives her message, but stop. start. stop again. there is so much she wants to say and none of the carefully chosen words she keeps typing capture the way her throat closes up each time she reads minako's messages, filled with relief that in spite of this there's still something there.

she starts and stops again and again until she finally sends the honest truth. ]

i miss you all the time
i love you. so so much

i know why you left. i get it
but it still hurts

im not trying to pressure you and
i know youll come back when youre ready

i KNOW all that

i just

im scared yukari
bc it still feels like i ruined everything

being scared is okay
im scared too

but nothings ruined
you couldnt ruin anything if you wanted to
i just...need some time to process

but im going to come home once everything in my head makes sense
i promise
and until then i still want to talk to you and know how you are
if you want to do that anyway, i understand if you dont

i want to
i just

[ she stops and starts typing for a bit. deletes. tries again.

fuck it. ]

im not okay
and i dont know what to do
i was spiraling earlier after i didnt answer you
and its NOT your fault
youre not responsible for me being messed up

i just feel like a burden when i talk about my stuff
especially when i get like this

[ yukari still feels responsible, but she knows this isn't the time to counter with that, not when minako is actually opening up about how low she feels. she'll swallow the guilt, for now. ]

you arent a burden
and you wont ever be a burden to me
im here to help carry whatever burden you have. thats what i want to do as your gf and friend

[ a brief pause before: ]

the hardest part of not feeling okay is admitting that youre not okay
which youre doing and im proud of you
but maybe the next step is finding someone you feel comfortable talking about how youre feeling to. even if its not one of us
youve said stuff like this before like when you said you were the worst. it worries me a lot.
you deserve to feel as happy as you make us

[ she presses the heel of her palm over her eyes in succession, taking a deep breath. there are a lot of brutal, self-eviscerating things she wants to say right now, that feel right, like the only response that can be made. ]

okay
like a psychologist?

[ the subtext of what yukari is saying is... pretty clear, frankly. ]

[ that isn't...immediate rejection. she pushes onward: ]

yeah
i mean i dont remember if thats what theyre called
i kinda remember some people saying mom and i should see someone after dad
we never did but

anyway
they might be able to help

maybe

[ some hesitation, and: ]

they had me talk to people sometimes when i was in the system
but they didnt care

i got good at giving them the right answers

Edited 2020-02-08 18:29 (UTC)

yeah. i understand that.

[ "sorry, my house isn't good for hanging out, but maybe next time"; "don't worry, i'm just kinda tired"; "yeah, i'm doing great!" ]

i think it might be different here
there isnt as much pressure to be like everyone else
people just do whatever they want and no one cares

you dont have to go obviously
thats your choice
i love you no matter what

and i should go myself.

Edited (HTML, my nemesis) 2020-02-08 23:12 (UTC)

i love you too

[ a pause. ]

ill go if you will

[ the dots bounce for a minute until: ]

okay
i'll go

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