[ yukari's definitely succeeded at one thing in this moment. she's the only thing on kotone's mind. so much of the noise that ordinarily roars falls silent, and she pays no mind even as she lets her naginata clatter to the floor.
kotone grips yukari's other hand as well, squeezing both as she finally nods, feeling tears prick at her eyes. ]
Don't apologize. I didn't want you guys to know. I just... I thought... I didn't doubt you, not ever, but...
[ kotone finally lets out a sob, cutting herself off as tears begin to fall. she leans forward slightly to brace herself against yukari, shoulders shaking. this is something she almost never would have allowed herself in iwatodai, but... things have changed. ]
[ yukari doesn't hesitate to wrap her arms around kotone in a fierce, protective hug. many things have changed, it's true, but the depth of her affection for her hasn't. it never will. ]
You're okay, [ she murmurs while stroking her back. ] It's alright. I understand.
[ yukari had learned the hard way that people seemed to like you better when showing them a perfect reflection. or they didn't publicly blame you and your family for the death of loved ones you'd never met, at least. the idea of letting anyone see past that was daunting. terrifying. despite the horrible circumstances surrounding the club's existence, s.e.e.s. had given her a reprieve from pretending to be the yukari takeba.
and she wants nothing more than to let kotone know she'll be safe with her.
yukari pulls her closer, whispering "it's okay, it's okay" into her hair. ]
[ this is so... unconditional. kotone's eyes widen when yukari pulls her into her arms, breath stopping for a moment—but then she practically crumples into it, hugging her back. her shoulders shake as she begins crying against her, face pressed into yukari's shoulder, finally beginning to unburden herself of some of what she's been carrying. the constant whisper of reassurance, the light touches... it's too much.
she cries harder, holding on for dear life and gripping fistfuls of the back of yukari's top. she's not going to be much good for dealing with the situation further on, not until she's had some time to get it together. ]
I—I need—to get out of here. [ kotone manages to choke that out in a rush, mind near blank with the rushing tide of all of this. ] Too much like... like Tartarus. Please.
[ under some circumstances, she'd be able to deal with that just fine. but it's just an extra layer making this worse. she knows they can't just turn their backs on this, on some level, but— ]
[ but neither of them would be helpful in their current emotional states. leaving the fighting to others is the smart thing to do, the field leader thing to do. yukari, for her part, isn't thinking tactically, head and heart fixated on how much kotone is hurting. if she says she needs to leave then they won't waste another second in here. ]
Alright. [ she picks up kotone's naginata with one hand and takes her by the hand with the other. ] Then let's go.
[ she leads them toward the exit, visible now that the doors have been thrown open by fighters anxious to save the king, and into the humid night air, purposeful stride never breaking as she finds a safe route around the ongoing battle. the sounds of shouting and clashing weapons are distant by the time yukari stops in a copse of trees and faces kotone, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. ]
We should be safe here. [ she moves forward as if to hug her again but then hesitates, taking a half step back. give her a chance to breathe, yukari. ]
[ kotone doesn't focus on anything except yukari as she leads the way out of there. there's nothing but the sound of her voice, the feeling of her hand.
while yukari might've hesitated to hug her again, kotone doesn't, closing the gap and pulling her close.
the crying has all but stopped, but she's no less rattled. ]
Some leader I am, huh? [ she tries to make it sound lighthearted, but her voice is still too strained, throat too tense. ]
[ yukari freezes for just a moment, taken aback by suddenness of the embrace, before melting into it, looping her arms around her friend's neck. she doesn't usually do...this. give away comfort like it's nothing, like she was born for putting others at ease. to be completely honest, she'd thought herself incapable of doing so before s.e.e.s. before her. ]
You are some leader. [ she cards her fingers through the ends of kotone's hair, hoping the tremble of her voice doesn't give away how close she is to tears. ] But even if you weren't--which you are--we all care about you. [ a pause and then quietly, sincerely: ]
[ kotone nods, silently, before drawing in a deep, shaky breath. she touches her forehead to yukari's, trying desperately to steady herself. the attention to her hair is... nice. she slowly begins to relax, even as the tremble in yukari's voice causes her pull her friend closer in return. ]
I... I know. Same goes for you, jerk. [ there's no bite to it, just a bit of the back and forth they'd be prone to in a better situation. ] You're my best friend. You know that, right?
[ regardless of the unnamed feelings she's tried to leave behind. ]
[ that same answer had come slowly at the red spring but it's spoken with a certainty and conviction that's been missing since january. she won't let her own pain blind her to anyone else's ever again.
she rests her other hand on kotone's cheek, tracing her cheekbone with her thumb. their closeness, this level of physical affection feels...natural. and--
yukari shoves those traitorous thoughts far away and deep, deep down. ]
You've always been my best friend. Even if I'm terrible at showing it.
[ kotone goes quiet. her breath catches in her throat when yukari touches her face, treats her with this intimate tenderness. nothing about this is a good idea. she should stop this now, she thinks. she's already messed up too many things recently, and she can't let this continue.
all the same, her own hand comes up to rest on top of yukari's. ]
I... Yukari, we... [ she doesn't know what she wants to say. the thought stops before it can form, and she shakes her head ever so slightly as if to say "never mind." even so, she doesn't pull away from her. ]
[ yukari knows what she should follow up with. 'you're right, we can't do this, let's head back and pretend this was nothing, is nothing, was never anything.'
the problem is that the traitorous thoughts from before buoy to the surface when kotone touches her hand. all she can focus on is the warmth of her skin underneath her palm, the deep red of her eyes. how easy it would be to kiss her right now.
for a moment, her world revolves around that last fact. it not as if she hasn't thought of doing so before back in iwatodai, but it was never--they were never--
but they are right now.
and then all thoughts stop when yukari closes the small distance between them and kisses her, shy but sure. ]
[ they should stop this now. kotone's already ruined things with mitsuru, she can't—she won't—
then she feels yukari's lips on hers. she knows she can't let this happen, if she pulls away now they can forget about it. it will be like nothing ever changed. but instead...
instead, that magnetism she'd done her best to ignore, even back in iwatodai, holds her in place. after a beat, kotone parts her lips, returning the kiss. yukari tastes of strawberries and heat, and this is a mistake, she knows, even as she grabs a fistful of the back of her friend's top, but she's yet to start thinking rationally again.
there's no shyness, but it's all much more uncertain, even amid the fervor. ]
[ much later, while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling in the comforting darkness of her room, yukari will reflect how on how fitting it was that her first kiss would be the culmination of some fucked up situation with her best friend. nothing else in her life had been normal since she was 6. so why should this be?
she'll also mull over the sudden jolt of surprise when kotone reciprocates, quickly followed by joy tempered with desperation. once they pull away, both of them will remember a kind blonde girl with a ribbon around her neck with instant regret. they won't be able to return to that comfortable valley between platonic and romantic ever again.
but she deepens the kiss and tightens her fingers in kotone's hair on instinct, anyway. and her lips will tingle at the memory. ]
[ the simple fact of it all is that she loves yukari. of course she loves yukari. but the lines between types of love are often blurry at best, and she had wanted to avoid muddling them further with her, especially with the painful absence of the person kotone cares for most.
so much for that.
kotone's fingers tighten their grip, until finally, she breaks off the kiss. realization takes hold. her grip on yukari releases in an instant, almost as if she'd been burned. ]
I—Yukari, that was—
[ she doesn't know what to say. it wasn't a mistake, necessarily, and she enjoyed it but surely they both know why this can't— ]
[ of course she knows. this is...bad in so many ways, each more serious than the last. this--them, together as something more than friends--can't happen. and even if it could, it certainly won't be now.
regardless, the knowledge doesn't ease the ache in her chest at the suddenness of kotone's recoil. ]
Yeah. [ she swallows hard, hoping it'll remove the lifeless tone in her voice, and takes a large step backwards. ] It...I--
[ i'm sorry i'm sorry god i'm so sorry ]
We...shouldn't. [ a beat before she continues, ] Stay here, I mean. It probably isn't much safer here than at the Hall.
[ if yukari can move them past her mistake fast enough, there won't enough time to linger on possibilities or regrets. and they can pretend nothing's changed a while longer. ]
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no subject
kotone grips yukari's other hand as well, squeezing both as she finally nods, feeling tears prick at her eyes. ]
Don't apologize. I didn't want you guys to know. I just... I thought... I didn't doubt you, not ever, but...
[ kotone finally lets out a sob, cutting herself off as tears begin to fall. she leans forward slightly to brace herself against yukari, shoulders shaking. this is something she almost never would have allowed herself in iwatodai, but... things have changed. ]
no subject
You're okay, [ she murmurs while stroking her back. ] It's alright. I understand.
[ yukari had learned the hard way that people seemed to like you better when showing them a perfect reflection. or they didn't publicly blame you and your family for the death of loved ones you'd never met, at least. the idea of letting anyone see past that was daunting. terrifying. despite the horrible circumstances surrounding the club's existence, s.e.e.s. had given her a reprieve from pretending to be the yukari takeba.
and she wants nothing more than to let kotone know she'll be safe with her.
yukari pulls her closer, whispering "it's okay, it's okay" into her hair. ]
no subject
she cries harder, holding on for dear life and gripping fistfuls of the back of yukari's top. she's not going to be much good for dealing with the situation further on, not until she's had some time to get it together. ]
I—I need—to get out of here. [ kotone manages to choke that out in a rush, mind near blank with the rushing tide of all of this. ] Too much like... like Tartarus. Please.
[ under some circumstances, she'd be able to deal with that just fine. but it's just an extra layer making this worse. she knows they can't just turn their backs on this, on some level, but— ]
no subject
Alright. [ she picks up kotone's naginata with one hand and takes her by the hand with the other. ] Then let's go.
[ she leads them toward the exit, visible now that the doors have been thrown open by fighters anxious to save the king, and into the humid night air, purposeful stride never breaking as she finds a safe route around the ongoing battle. the sounds of shouting and clashing weapons are distant by the time yukari stops in a copse of trees and faces kotone, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. ]
We should be safe here. [ she moves forward as if to hug her again but then hesitates, taking a half step back. give her a chance to breathe, yukari. ]
no subject
while yukari might've hesitated to hug her again, kotone doesn't, closing the gap and pulling her close.
the crying has all but stopped, but she's no less rattled. ]
Some leader I am, huh? [ she tries to make it sound lighthearted, but her voice is still too strained, throat too tense. ]
no subject
You are some leader. [ she cards her fingers through the ends of kotone's hair, hoping the tremble of her voice doesn't give away how close she is to tears. ] But even if you weren't--which you are--we all care about you. [ a pause and then quietly, sincerely: ]
...I care about you.
no subject
I... I know. Same goes for you, jerk. [ there's no bite to it, just a bit of the back and forth they'd be prone to in a better situation. ] You're my best friend. You know that, right?
[ regardless of the unnamed feelings she's tried to leave behind. ]
no subject
[ that same answer had come slowly at the red spring but it's spoken with a certainty and conviction that's been missing since january. she won't let her own pain blind her to anyone else's ever again.
she rests her other hand on kotone's cheek, tracing her cheekbone with her thumb. their closeness, this level of physical affection feels...natural. and--
yukari shoves those traitorous thoughts far away and deep, deep down. ]
You've always been my best friend. Even if I'm terrible at showing it.
no subject
all the same, her own hand comes up to rest on top of yukari's. ]
I... Yukari, we... [ she doesn't know what she wants to say. the thought stops before it can form, and she shakes her head ever so slightly as if to say "never mind." even so, she doesn't pull away from her. ]
no subject
the problem is that the traitorous thoughts from before buoy to the surface when kotone touches her hand. all she can focus on is the warmth of her skin underneath her palm, the deep red of her eyes. how easy it would be to kiss her right now.
for a moment, her world revolves around that last fact. it not as if she hasn't thought of doing so before back in iwatodai, but it was never--they were never--
but they are right now.
and then all thoughts stop when yukari closes the small distance between them and kisses her, shy but sure. ]
no subject
then she feels yukari's lips on hers. she knows she can't let this happen, if she pulls away now they can forget about it. it will be like nothing ever changed. but instead...
instead, that magnetism she'd done her best to ignore, even back in iwatodai, holds her in place. after a beat, kotone parts her lips, returning the kiss. yukari tastes of strawberries and heat, and this is a mistake, she knows, even as she grabs a fistful of the back of her friend's top, but she's yet to start thinking rationally again.
there's no shyness, but it's all much more uncertain, even amid the fervor. ]
no subject
she'll also mull over the sudden jolt of surprise when kotone reciprocates, quickly followed by joy tempered with desperation. once they pull away, both of them will remember a kind blonde girl with a ribbon around her neck with instant regret. they won't be able to return to that comfortable valley between platonic and romantic ever again.
but she deepens the kiss and tightens her fingers in kotone's hair on instinct, anyway. and her lips will tingle at the memory. ]
no subject
so much for that.
kotone's fingers tighten their grip, until finally, she breaks off the kiss. realization takes hold. her grip on yukari releases in an instant, almost as if she'd been burned. ]
I—Yukari, that was—
[ she doesn't know what to say. it wasn't a mistake, necessarily, and she enjoyed it but surely they both know why this can't— ]
no subject
regardless, the knowledge doesn't ease the ache in her chest at the suddenness of kotone's recoil. ]
Yeah. [ she swallows hard, hoping it'll remove the lifeless tone in her voice, and takes a large step backwards. ] It...I--
[ i'm sorry i'm sorry god i'm so sorry ]
We...shouldn't. [ a beat before she continues, ] Stay here, I mean. It probably isn't much safer here than at the Hall.
[ if yukari can move them past her mistake fast enough, there won't enough time to linger on possibilities or regrets. and they can pretend nothing's changed a while longer. ]